Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize