im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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