I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
two words...techno handjob
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
