We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I need a beard to bite.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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