Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
