Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
