I got chris browned last night
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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