Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
