the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
