I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
