I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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