bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
