Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
