Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize