I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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