I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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