Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
