So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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