you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
