Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
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