Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
a search helicopter?!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I have already put on my inside pants.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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