I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
