I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
