I think my fart just growled at me.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
sex in a hospital.. check
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
