In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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