you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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