Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
