Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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