I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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