Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
