he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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