I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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