2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Randomize