My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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