the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
