im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize