I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
