Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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