my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
