the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize