final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
