i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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