There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
