I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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