Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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