Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
