Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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