I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
