even my farts smell like vagina
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
