Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
