Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You can't motorboat a personality
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
