her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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