Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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